When I look at you

I’m scared of you. I resist you. I force myself not to be close to you. Because you might be the guy who would hurt again.Yet, I can’t stop staring. I can’t stop thinking of you.

Fear takes over the console of my mind just like how it is in Inside Out. He pushes buttons here and there alerting me of different scenarios that I have created in my head. But when I start staring, Joy pushes Fear away. When I look at you, I do not see you immediately but I see the shape of your eyes and how your dimples show up when you smile and how that smiles crooks to one side some times. As I look at you, what I see is myself waking up next to you in the morning. Snuggling as the Christmas wind blows. Then falling asleep again to be awoken by light kisses atop my head. Then I blink. I remembered that shit scares me. The morning image in my heads swirls and gets blown away leaving me wide eyed and dazed.

It’s scary because it means I’d be allowing myself to experience everything all at once again. To be vulnerable and strip down all the shield and chains that is protecting my heart. It would be I’ll be giving my renewed and mended heart to you. And that includes the possibility of it getting wounded again. I hold back the emotions in fear of you having the power to hurt me. I have held on this power for years now. It is this power that shields me from all the hurt from the outside world. And I know as long as I keep on holding it, I’d be fine.

But that’s the thing, I’m just fine. Then I look at you again and I know I want to be more than just fine. I want to be consumed by the fire that builds up whenever when we are physically close. Or even when that closeness is just in my head. When I allow myself to feel all these emotions I get excited with the idea of climbing mountains with you, diving down deep into the blue and just moving on from one adventure to the next. I want to do everything all at once. Then I go back to that morning scene in my head and begin smiling and finding the keys to the chains I have hidden for so long.

Then I blink. I snap back to reality that I am scared of you. As I hold on to the keys, maybe, just maybe, that morning scene will change everything. And from there, Joy takes over the console once again. And in that moment I realized I’m still looking at you.

June 2, 2016

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