(Late post. Yesterday’s blog but wasn’t able to properly connect to the Internet so here goes…)
Check in refers to checking one’s inner self for whatever emotional state one is in, i.e. joyful, sad, etc. We usually do this at a start of staffing a leadership program in OCCI.
My check in today: I’m coming from a space of irritation and anger.
I just ended the call with a SMART customer service person angrily; I was asking assistance for my data connection since apparently since I registered to a Free social data service I cannot register to an unlimited one even if I unsubscribed to that. WTF is that kind of set up? Oh well.
Then it got me thinking. Apart from the talk I had with my boss the other day for feedbacks from people (which I still don’t believe half of it, though that’s beside the point of realization), I realized I’ve been angry again lately. At an instant check in, I wouldn’t say that I’m angry, I just don’t care. I’ve been so indifferent lately with all the chaos at work that I begin to take it outside that place also. As much confusion and anger and self-doubt that talk with my boss brought about, this is one thing I was reminded of: check in. What am I feeling? Where is these feelings coming from? We have mastered these questions one way or another as LEAPers [of OCCI] and yet it still needs a constant reminder to check our emotions. Are we really as okay as we project to be? Are we really as happy? Where is this anger coming from?
Maybe that’s what the Lord is driving me to—where is this coming from? And to check myself for a moment—that’s why I cannot subscribe to the unli data plan immediately which allowed me to mellow down first so that I can solve my way through. Turned out that I really can’t unsubscribed to do other unli plans until that expires – kinda stupid if you asked me, but my point is that the customer service rep I talked to does know what she’s doing, unlike what I had already presumed otherwise; she just didn’t offer any alternatives to my problem, which is another thing.
I remembered it was around 2nd quarter last year also when I caught myself this way. I just felt so steady and indifferent that I was giving off a not-happy vibe but inside I was just steady. That came about when I was so walled up with my emotions that I cannot be hurt and which allowed me to face anything emotionally chaotic because I became so strong. This power within which I realized that I have during my LEAP journey has its ups and downs and I still have not come to its equilibrium. When I exercise it to a great extent, I become so strong that I tend to really not care about what others think and I know that’s when I become scary. My mataray and suplada side uber amplified. Then when I let it down, I become vulnerable and that’s the time when I usually feel betrayed and hurt. So logically, which would I choose? Of course the first one.
So where really is this coming from? I’ve climbed mountains and went on several adventures last quarter and I still don’t feel the happiness lingering. I’m just happy when I’m away from the city. I would always think that maybe it’s just that simple reason – I’m just not happy anymore with where I am. Which in turns brings about these feelings of resentment and anger. I dunno. Or maybe I know but I still choose not to act on it. So I continue the series of questions:
- Why am I not happy? Because I’m bored.
- Why am I bored at work? Because it’s the same thing day in day out.
- Why can’t I find something new or learn something new? Because I don’t have the proper guidance.
- Why do I let the absence of proper guidance hinder me from learning new stuff? Because it’s easy to say so. Because it’s easier to say that I don’t learn stuff because nobody teaches me anymore, ever since my mentor left. I used to be so proactive in learning without having the need to be push to learn.
- Why do I lack motivation now? Because I have learned to set aside my life away from the work life and just treats the work life as work and not as a having fun so it’s not really working life before.
- Why? Because it’s not happy there anymore. If I’m not happy, why can’t I go on? Because it’s scary to start all over again.
And there ends the series of questions which leads me to the space where I am now. It’s fear of the unknown. It’s the fear that there’s lack of security with my job right now. It’s fearing that if I go I may not get what the same place I am right now. And the reasons are endless.
Then it honestly comes down to the reason that I am scared to love again. How did it jump to this? I have all these fears because I lack faith in the unknown during the times when I feel hollow deep inside. During the times when I don’t feel love within me which is my true essence. I am nothing when I block out love. And during the times when I don’t feel any surge of love, I am left with all these negativities. Love is my one true essence, which I have also figured out along the journey. It’s my purpose. To love and give love, if I’m not doing that, I’m not living my purpose and I get all frustrated.
So what do I do now? Well, get an internet access code for the dorm’s Wi-fi (yes, I can early on. I just chose to be grumpy about SMART’s services tch hrhrhr. Then for work, let’s see what happens if I let it down a bit, besides, I need the cash for the travels planned during 3rd quarter and I still have more mountains to climb, I have to be responsible with my savings. And then do a check in every now and then to see if I’m still on purpose. Sometimes all we need is just a holiday to figure things out.