I just spent the day mostly on my bed watching Sex and the City series. Why oh why did I let this one pass during my college days when everyone else was watching it?? Hrhr. Then again, I wasn’t into this sex stuff until I had my first serious boyfriend then I wasn’t that open to talking about anything that got to do with it until I lived in the city.
My mood apparently was nonetheless stable today. I wasn’t sad nor was too happy. I was fine. All the prep talks and girl talks from the series makes me either think positively or just won’t let me think about me at all. But then despite the giddiness from watching it, I did my usual pause between episodes to Tumblr, Facebook, chat and the all the others; there I saw on my Facebook news feed, our faces–a post from him which would naturally mean I get to see my photo too as it was his profile picture. There came the shocking knot on my chest that goes with the thought, who am I kidding, I’m not okay. I’m just good at pretending that I am.
Now, I just finised an episode titled They Shoot Single People, Don’t They? And it hit me that I had to pause and talk to Karrie for awhile. Thus resulting to this make me smile segment. What is it with being in a relationship that just complicates things? We were just so fucking great when we didn’t have that label. At times like this I wish we were just normal friends, then maybe I would have felt it more. These are just my rants that should not be taken against me.
In that episode, Samatha said: “Sometimes you just need to hear a we.” Is this my case too? Am I holding on just because I want someone to call as my boyfriend? Someone automatic to text good morning and good night? Us..We.. My friend said that I’m just fooling myself, that after all these years I got on this label again that I can’t accept the fact that it’s not working. Is it? Am I just in this illusion that this would really work? Am I the only one left believing that we can still do this? Am I just faking it?
I love him. I do. But is that enough to wait for him to decide what he really wants? I know being in a relationship would mean more expectations and pressure but I think it would also mean more love than when you were in the friends stage. Oh well. I’m just rambling…..
“No matter how much it hurts, sometimes it’s better to be alone than fake it.” -Sex and the City, Season 2.