I think I was the “runaway bride” syndrome. It’s like every time some friend would like me more than I like them I scramble and run off. The more I think about what happened between me and honeybunch before, the more I realized I how scared I am of really falling in love. Of giving it all and then losing it all. I guess it’s suffice to say my heart healed from the succession of aches it got that I have really not been able to open up as I thought I had.
Maybe the stupid Facebook quiz was right, that whenever I like someone my intentions and actions are so random that they are unclear. I know at some point or another Mine and I clicked. (Harhar for assumptions but WTH) And yet I held back.
And since I somehow know I cannot just give my all again, I’d always seem to choose the side wherein it’s me who gets hurt. Ugh. Sigh.
I thought it was okay with me already. It’s been two weeks since I found out; besides we didn’t have that deep of a relationship, friendship or otherwise. And then I saw something again. Stupid Flickr dedications. Tch. Then again, I thank it for its clarity. Now, I know. I was right about who it was on the first place. And then I came across the blog. Again, another ouch. But weirdly still, I found myself smiling. It was so cheesy.
Well, people in love can never not be cheesy and mushy. And with that, kinilig naman ako sa kanila kahit gusto ko silang pag-umpugin. lols. I would always be a fan of happy endings. Sweet serenity. Lovey moments.
I am weird but that’s where I prove that I wasn’t in love. Just pure high infatuation about plans and cheesy fantasies. Therefore, I am fine.
And I’m juggling all the thoughts in my head
I’m juggling and my fears on fire
but I’m listening as it evolves in my head
I’m balancing on one fine wire
And so the first hour of my day has passed. Certainly good. I am still smiling. I am so easy to please that’s why I am still smiling. The simplest efforts can make my day. Thus, today? Everything goes on. No noos.. Just yes to be good.
-Apy’s early birthday surprise: Al’s cakes Better than Sex so yummy.. touching letter also. Happyness.
-Kambal’s before midnight text…my friends are getting mushy hihii… Happyness also.
-Mine called weeeee… cute little voice. Was talking to him til the clock struck 12. Happyness.
-Made it to Flickr’s Explore again! weeee. Wish granted. Thank you Flickr! Happyness.
-Friends waiting with me for the time. Carmi and Ez for the webbie greeting. Happyness
-Plurk greetings from Oishi Thirdy, Ana, Madel, Kupo, Jenna and Alviar when the clock hits midnight again. Happyness.
-YM greeting from Cliff and Alvin, midnight again. Happyness.
-Text from Karrie and Nanay, midnight again. Happyness.
The day is just starting and there are so many things to smile about already. I hope this last the whole day. I pray for a great new beginning. Thank you for another year.
And so the song keeps playing on my mind. Funny series. And now my mind becomes blank. I have an interview again tomorrow. And today I also saw a job posting from IRRI. My heart skipped. It’s IRRI even if it’s here. If I get a job offer there I wouldn’t be hesitating to accept it. Sigh. With great hopes of course that Carmi and Tito and Tita would understand. But no use worrying about that now hahaha as I haven’t even applied. LOL
….Mine said he missed me. There goes that line to sure to soften me. Garr.. We weren’t in speaking terms since the other day. LOLs. Committed the biggest blunder guys would do. LOL. Well, maybe not the biggest but synonymous to that at least, since it didn’t happen face to face AND hindi naman kami. LOL. But still, a big ego blow for me to be called by an endearment used for another. Fine ang babaw. But..Hmf. LOLz. Then Arvin points out again na hindi nga naman kami at chat lang yon and nagkamali lang thus “lol” was just his answer when I asked for his opinion. Fine. But I was upset. Hmmmm.
But then again, all’s been said and done. No use crying over spilled milk and all those cliché. And this is just online drama Sigh…. all I gotta do is to disconnect and poof real life continues. They may just even be fictional characters in my life. Sad to say. There are some things that can’t be real. Even if you wish them to be…….
Some people might really just remain a yellow bulb in your messenger list which you only get to talk to when you connect to the big tangles of the world-wide web.
Twas a so-so day But still happy.. hihi… Something different from my routine was that I went out to withdraw money since I owe bro something ahahah. Also shoot some cloud formations for Carmi for a possible dippy collab on Thursday. Wow. What a life do I have?!
1. Woke up goodie with a good morning text from starfish saying he fell asleep last night when we were texting. Nice. Hmm.. they’re planning to get married by next year.. Sigh. Wow for them.. He’s just so good at these stuff..Life and family stuff..
2. Had fun checking dippy collab samples with Carmi. I still haven’t decided what to do. I want a gummy bear pic.. I want a kupo pic.. etc. haha. I still haven’t thought of my self-portrait for this week either. Hmm.. Been browsing also on what pin-up style to do for FF.
3. LOLing with Karrie about girl issues on Flickr. LOLs. Lubog kung lubog. Foolish hearts indeed.
4. Mine and his in and out mode. LOLs. Mahirap tlga pagmadaming girls. Double LOLs.
5. Weee I so likey the pic I submitted to Flickr today Love how it turned out. Spontaneous snapping of the Uno Stacko..supposedly the slinky but I can’t find it. Hihii..Love the colors.
6. Plurk chaos is always fun. Hahahaa.
7. Saw an ad for a writer for a Photography magazine <3 I pray, I pray. Thy will be done.
8. Real coffee. LOL. I soooo love love the Mocha cappuccino Inay brought over yesterday. <3
I need love, love
Ooh, ease my mind
And I need to find time
Someone to call mine;
My mama said
You cant hurry love
No, youll just have to wait
She said love dont come easy
But its a game of give and take
You cant hurry love
No, youll just have to wait
Just trust in a good time
No matter how long it takes
For some reason this was suddenly running in my mind while I was taking a shower. Irritation is creeping in somehow but then again, why should I be? I should just be laughing at these whatever stuff since it’s all nothing. It may be sweet nothings but still the word nothing is tagged to it. And that’s what I have to pin in my mind, it’s just NOTHING. It can’t be something since it had started as a silly nothing. Sigh. I’m just rambling again.
The song says it all. You can’t hurry love. And LOL this blog is becoming a love blog and it sucks. Ptooey. I need to find time. someone to call mine. Tch. I think the song I’m Yours would be more apt for these scenarios. Wee. Sweeter and oh well. At least it’s not a selfish, mine, but yours. Hmmm.. LOL. What a correlation.
Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you’re so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
Now I’m trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I’ll be giving it my bestest
And nothing’s going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it’s again my turn to win some or learn some
I won’t hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I’m yours
Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you’re free
Look into your heart and you’ll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment babay sing with me
I love peace for melody
And It’s our God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved
Haha. I think I wanna be called yours than mine. LOL. This is crazy and stupid. Wahahaa. Whatever. This is my blog and you can’t do anything about it. LOL.
I want ice cream. now.
Why am I suddenly in a crappy mood? Garsh. I dunno why I am like a sponge to any friend’s misery or heartache. When someone just pours their crammy and crappy feeling to me and then they feel relieve after? I’m the one feeling crappy suddenly! WAaaaah. Whatever.
*singing: I need love, love …. Ooh, ease my mind*
Then.. a friend said after laughing and applauding me, LOLz dude, said, “sinong mastanga? ikaw na natatanga sa babaero, o ako na natatanga sa bading?!” And that had me laughing out loud for real. Wee smileyness!
I usually have good self-control. Well, except when we’re talking about love and the like. Tch. I think I badly need to learn control now. Sigh. I always get stupid and do crazy actions when I get so high. Waahh.. I know there’s no cure for stupidity on love but…. I just love love. LOL.
So much for that. I read a forwarded text earlier.. something about when you step back it’s not that you’re accepting defeat but… LOLs I suddenly forgot what’s next to that. Hmmm.. I guess stepping back doesn’t mean you’re backing out or you’re scared but it’s allowing yourself to slow down, take one step at a time, realize that you’re feeling to fast, going to fast and then next thing you know, you’re falling too fast. It’s the ability to see the big picture as they say. Then maybe you will see that it’s not what it’s cracked up to be. It’s not really what you thought it to be.
I get giddy to fast. I get happy to fast. That’s one of the things at times I get annoyed at. Coz it seems like, since I get happy easily, I get hurt more easy too. Sigh. I guess that’s where expectations spring from. You become too happy that you expect things to go smoothly and most often than not, it doesn’t.
The sunset can’t always be yours. You just get a moment to enjoy it. Because the next day is really another day. This sunset or sunrise could just be captured for this day. The view tomorrow is different. The people around would be different. The clouds may not be there today and tomorrow it can be. The sky can paint you a lousy picture today but would give you gladness tomorrow.
Sigh. I don’t even know what I’m getting at now. All I know is that I need not be too happy. Poker face. I need to learn to do a poker face. Wahhh.. Literally, I have a hard time doing that since I’ve even been noted as a big smiley emoticon. So how can I do the poker emoticon?? LOLs.
But I know I have to. There are moments you don’t have the right to react. No right to show you’re angry or irritated because you’re not even on the hierarchy to give a damn comment.
Sigh. I need to sleep now. I don’t know where this would be going. LOL. Have to pray harder for this one job that I really want. Oh so help my God.
I have decided to try hard to blog everyday or every other day. Even if it means I write first on paper since I don’t feel like typing write now. Hiihii. Will also try to do a daily what made me smile list to remind me that despite the crappiness life entails, I’m still happy.
1. I finished and submitted two articles for a possible job. One about me and kup and the other about some friends’ rants and my own. Having done those someone I felt I did something productive. Lol at my productivity level.
2. Was talking to Mine the whole day. LOL at our new form of endearment. Sweet. Makes me remember the segulls from finding Nemo who were always screaming “mineminemineminemineminee.” For now, this is my make-believe love story. LOL. Something I can’t actually be too smiley about….
3. Finally talked to “Hayden” with more than just a few lines. Hmmm.. still wondering if most of it was Ckloy though..but he seems innocent enough when I asked him. LOL. Flirting ever moments. Harr.
4. At friendship level now with “Buzz” since he has a new girl target. LOL.
5. Online friends are growing. Makes me really happy that I’m meeting different wonderful people in Flickr. Karrie makes me smile with her meanness haha. Girls really becomes gaga over love talks.
Today wasn’t that bad. Oh it’s holiday tomorrow for them. A normal day for me. LOL.
Gah. I just realize I’ve been using LOL suddenly so frequently these past days. ;p LOL. Haha.
(AM: blogged at Starbucks last Monday before a job interview)
For once I was early. Monday traffic even cooperated. I started our the day early by looking at a lovely sunset photo. How ironic but I felt like the day just ended well and it was just around 4:30am.
I sit now waiting for time. Letting my tongue cool down after sipping my hot cappuccino with 5 packets of sugar I believe. Hah. I look across the street. Normal car flow. I remembered this long stretch of road in Shaw Blvd. and how I was also blogging about it years ago. Thank goodness I haven’t seen any old office mates. I’d feel weird. Haha.
The sun is even shinning brightly. That’s different since every time I go to an interview/exam there’s a heavy downpour even before I can reach the building. Hmmm.. A sign? Maybe today would be different. Maybe this week would be different. I hope so.
Nobody can you the sun or the moon in reality. But one can capture the perfect setting for you if you can’t be together to share it.
(PM: blogged after the interview in the bus)
The sun was there. So much for my supposedly happy blog today. Gah. When will the time come when I would be deliriously happy after a job interview/exam?? Gahhhr. It wasn’t a company that I expected. It’s like a call center also and I’d rather not go back to that callin’ world. It would be fine I guess if it would just be writing in a call center world. But please no calls.
Depression hits when you feel that even your parents get “inip” na with your just bumming around the house. Gawwd. How I wish I could have my independence again. Oh well. Ramblings in my mind while waiting for the bus to move.
And then I came across the blog. Again, another ouch. But weirdly still, I found myself smiling. It was so cheesy.
Happyness.
