The Art of Letting Go

This song just made my morning go bleak, sad, desolate and…bereaved, bitter, blue*, cheerless, dejected, despairing, despondent, disconsolate, dismal, distressed, doleful, down, down in dumps, down in mouth, downcast, forlorn, gloomy, glum, grief-stricken, grieved, heartbroken, heartsick, heavyhearted, hurting, in doldrums, in grief, in the dumps, languishing, low, low-spirited, lugubrious, melancholy, morbid, morose, mournful, out of sorts, pensive, pessimistic, sick at heart, somber, sorrowful, sorry, troubled, weeping, wistful, woebegone.

There I just pasted all the synonyms of sadness. Why oh why does he have to make me listen to that fucking song?! Then tells me that all my questions are not applicable. Sigh. Stupid complication. Sigh. I need my girl friends. I haven’t really cried about this, well, not that I need to but it’s ritual hahaha.

But come to think of it, Aprille asked me if I did let go already, I said I wasn’t sure. How do I know again if I have? Kiss someone and not think of him while doing so? Hold someone and not feel the weirdness that he is not the one you’re holding on to? Sigh. Whatever.

Off to sleep again. Simbang gabi, day 5.

Parting Time

Parting Time – Rockstar

I remember the days
When you’re here with me
Those laughter and tears
We shared for years
Mem’ries that we had
For so long it’s me and you
Now you’re gone away
You left me all alone

Go on, do what you want
But please don’t leave me
You’ll break my heart
Hey, what should I do
Babe, I’m missin’ you
Please don’t disappear
These are the words that you should hear
Time and time again
I wish that you were here

I don’t wanna lose you girl
I need you back to me
I don’t wanna lose you
Baby can’t you see
Oh, I need you
You’ve been a part of me

I wish someday you’ll be back home
‘Cause I really miss you
Darling, please come home

I wish someday you’ll be back home
‘Cause I really miss you
Darling, please come home

I told him I sang this for him earlier. Hrhrhr. Mushy. Sigh. I miss the days when he does that too, every song he hears or sings, he sings to me through text…

Math is like love

“Math is like love – a simple idea but it can get complicated.”

Math and Love. I need tape not stitches this time. Just tape and it’ll be fine.

This would just be the occasional (I hope) times when I miss “us.” Maybe not exactly him but Us before. And this would be the occasional time when I my day is just simply being directly crappy and I need him to hot wire it, without him knowing, to keep me grounded.

I would/am miss/missing:

• “I love you”
• Sweet and comfortable silence.
• Holding hands.
• A big bear hug that envelopes me away from any negativity.
• Smiley mornings.

Someone told me before that I love having my boyfriend him around because he’s like a security blanket. Maybe so or more likely, that’s a yes. Maybe it’s because of the way he’s built. A walking pillow, bigger than me, that when he hugs, I could just forget the world and the crappiness everywhere. I know I’ll get that feeling again…I hope. There are times even the most independent women just needs someone to tell them everything’s gonna be alright.

On another note, I had fun at Mom’s Christmas party earlier with Pochay. Parlor games with some twists plus prizes of course. All these involved us having to stand up, ran around, hyper mode basically. It was just really nice. Oh, I also had the mic with me more than several times hihih. Parties ain’t complete without videoke. Exchange gifts too!

Also, there was this one game wherein we had to say some information about us for the others to memorize to get a prize. One of the question there was how many boyfriends did you have? LOL. Dad came also towards the end btw, since Mom was having high blood again. So anyway, my parents only knew one haha. So my Tito was bullying me to say the number which is more than one hahaha. I said, three. And there goes the catcalls. I didn’t mention that all of them were now exes. LOL.

Okay, I guess this is enough him and some of me for today. I should really sleep now.

Mutual Addiction

Just saw this in Tumblr. Hrhrhr. Mutual addiction…

Tumble with me

Let’s stop calling it love

I love the beat but not the lyrics. I would like this eventually, when I stop feeling this way.

Worst Failure

I got the job! Oh, I have not asked about the pay yet. Weeee still this means I can save up for a dSLR. Doh. My fickle mind rejoices at that thought primarily and not because I get to stay home and that I would have a job next year.

The final interview was with their Quality Assurance Officer, surprised that there’s such a position in a school, or is there really something like that? Oh well, as somewhat an “expert” in interviews, like duh I have been going to more than several interviews this year that I lost count (for real), I had answered him with what’s left of my call center agent’s twang spontaneously. Typical interview questions and situations though, like how do you describe yourself, you family, why did I resign, nature of job before, greatest achievement and the like. One thing though that caught me off guard was “What was your worst failure?” I just repeated the phrase and stared at the wall (so as not to stare at him) for a full 5 seconds I think.

Seriously, I cannot think of one situation or incident at that time. I had easily answered what is my greatest achievement (even thought I have yet to decide if that’s really it) which would be having a byline at an international magazine from my previous job or having been on site at the conference, etc. Dad said I should have answered him with “I have to experience that yet.” Is that because I haven’t regretted all the big things and stupid things that had happened in my life? I think so. Another thought that came to me when he asked that was on relationships, haha. Maybe I should have said that, that’s the area I am usually failing at this phase in my life.

I was a good student ever since and have not failed a subject, not even once. I have not encountered “failing” in that sense of the word. But they didn’t teach how to love and be lovable in school, those are just the few things I have to learn on my own. I guess that’s part of the self-study curriculum, so to speak. And with that, with not having a clear plan of study regarding that matter, I often fail.

Carrie: I do not pick the wrong guys. They pick me.
Miranda: So what, you’re like a flystrip for dysfunctional men?
Carrie: Yeah, but one of those really pretty floral scented ones

By the way, I answered him with not being able to graduate with honors. As if that mattered that much to me back in college. LOL. Not even my parents think it’s that important to get a Cum Laude standing. Though too bad because I didn’t get a medal at this graduation, but aside from that I didn’t really beat myself for not getting that average. I was just off by .04. Heee.

—

Oh crap, I just realized the Sex and the City DVD that I’m watching has incomplete episodes. Must. Buy. Later.

November 18

I thought I should get around typing this. Happy times I would not want to forget.

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33 days. 33 days was when the guy in the movie Sassy Girl gave her a rose in front of all people at the auditorium, or was that 100 days? I can’t remember what’s the 33 days for. Or was that in Windstruck?? Anyway, crap that I didn’t see him today but it doesn’t matter because I was already giddy just by looking at our pictures. At some point, it is still scary how someone can make you peacefully happy–by peaceful I mean without worrying and be just like this. This also means I gave someone the power to hurt me and make me cry; but why worry about that now when I am this deliriously happy? In fairness, this giddiness had already subsided somehow. The other day when we met up after being apart during his birthday and the first month, I was almost skipping all the way home. And I know with that, I know I had really fallen in love. There goes the line, sealed with a kiss. Sigh. I am too easy. Hrhr.

First Day

I had dozens of words in my mind to write about him, us earlier, but then I spaced out. Smiling.

So before I forget and for tracking purposes, LOL, when they make that presentation on your wedding (and yes, I can imagine a future with him), I shall write about what happened during our first month:

October 15, he had two big exams which literally got him almost lifeless and beyond haggard. Note: number history, our birthdays are both on the 15th of the month and the first time ever we were introduced (which he didn’t remember me also; oh, he was introduced to us by Ckloy then during Feb Fair this year) was also the 15th. So anyway, I asked him to go grocery shopping with me then told him I’d accompany him to dinner. I think that was just our 4th or 5th time to go out together alone. I know, too fast.

Sidetrack. Another history, I don’t want to forget these stuff:

• 1st date, we never actually called them dates, just “labas tayo” thingies, I was the one who asked him (well, usually was the case from then on). It was a boring cold night then and we had some drinks at IC’s at around 10pm on a Saturday, September 12. I had Tequilla Sunrise, as usual, tried to drink 2 but ended up having him finish my 2nd glass. Song of the night then was I Gotta Feeling. Highlight was when I puked big time in front of PNB on the way home, claiming I was not used at walking home after drinking haha. First time and should be the last time to happen here in LB.
• 2nd date: Dairymoor–It was newly opened and we had crepes. and our first photo together haha.
• 3rd date: Dairymoor again–After dinner at Jollibee, we went there for drinks and crepe for me and pasta for me, and was just talking all night.
• 4th date: Not really much of a date, I just surprised him at Physci with KFC krushers since he was rushing some exercise to be submitted then we just walked around freedom park while drinking the shake.
• 5th date: Dinner at Max’s–the night I felt that I fell.

Beer Bubbles

So I guess that means we had less than a week to “date” out before we became a couple. We’ve been friends since May I guess which as the months gone by that time, we have been talking nonstop, online and through text. There would also be the scenario of plurk friends pushing you two together.  For our “first day,” we were together the whole afternoon walking around campus. Watching clouds and plainly talking under the heat of the sun. We had our first bus ride before his sembreak and had our first fight that night too. Haha. And this is sounding like a baby book full of firsts.

To sum it up, my memory can’t remember all details that’s why there is this thing called a blog:

• Family knows about him already. I told Mom I had a boyfriend through YM, was called a cradle-snatcher, said she thought he was a girl, then introduced him through Photosharing. Technology.
• I think I have gained a few pounds since we started going out. We’ve been to every fastfood chain around the campus.
• I got gummy bears as pasalubong one time.
• He surprised me at 10:30 in the evening when he came back from sembreak, when all day I was complaining that I missed him and thought I wouldn’t see him until the following week.
• I haven’t been out of phone credits since…July, I think? Since we started texting.
• As he may occasionally slept on me without saying good night, he never missed a good morning message even if that meant using his Mom’s phone to do so.

You're My Rainbow Skies

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Present day typing now. And so our first month was good, still high, excited and so into love. <3

I’m the one who wants to be with you

To Be With You – Mr. Big
Hold on little girl
Show me what he’s done to you
Stand up little girl
A broken heart can’t be that bad
When it’s through, it’s through
Fate will twist the both of you
So come on baby come on over
Let me be the one to show you

I’m the one who wants to be with you
Deep inside I hope you feel it too
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you

Build up your confidence
So you can be on top for once
wake up who cares about
Little boys that talk too much
I’ve seen it all go down
Your game of love was all rained out
So come on baby, come on over
Let me be the one to hold you

Chorus

Why be alone when we can be together baby
You can make my life worthwhile
And I can make you start to smile

When it’s through, it’s through
Fate will twist the both of you
So come on baby come on over
Let me be the one to show you

Sex and the City Marathon

I just spent the day mostly on my bed watching Sex and the City series. Why oh why did I let this one pass during my college days when everyone else was watching it?? Hrhr. Then again, I wasn’t into this sex stuff until I had my first serious boyfriend then I wasn’t that open to talking about anything that got to do with it until I lived in the city.

My mood apparently was nonetheless stable today. I wasn’t sad nor was too happy. I was fine. All the prep talks and girl talks from the series makes me either think positively or just won’t let me think about me at all. But then despite the giddiness from watching it, I did my usual pause between episodes to Tumblr, Facebook, chat and the all the others; there I saw on my Facebook news feed, our faces–a post from him which would naturally mean I get to see my photo too as it was his profile picture. There came the shocking knot on my chest that goes with the thought, who am I kidding, I’m not okay. I’m just good at pretending that I am.

Now, I just finised an episode titled They Shoot Single People, Don’t They? And it hit me that I had to pause and talk to Karrie for awhile. Thus resulting to this make me smile segment. What is it with being in a relationship that just complicates things? We were just so fucking great when we didn’t have that label. At times like this I wish we were just normal friends, then maybe I would have felt it more. These are just my rants that should not be taken against me.

In that episode, Samatha said: “Sometimes you just need to hear a we.” Is this my case too? Am I holding on just because I want someone to call as my boyfriend? Someone automatic to text good morning and good night? Us..We.. My friend said that I’m just fooling myself, that after all these years I got on this label again that I can’t accept the fact that it’s not working. Is it? Am I just in this illusion that this would really work? Am I the only one left believing that we can still do this? Am I just faking it?

I love him. I do. But is that enough to wait for him to decide what he really wants? I know being in a relationship would mean more expectations and pressure but I think it would also mean more love than when you were in the friends stage. Oh well. I’m just rambling…..

“No matter how much it hurts, sometimes it’s better to be alone than fake it.” -Sex and the City, Season 2.

November 24

I forgot that I typed something offline during this day.

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I’m alive and I’m barely breathing.

There are times when the rain and the chilly weather cannot make me happy. And that would be today. Well, I blame it on the hormones mostly and the lack of motivation and determination thereof. I don’t know what happened, why am I still stuck here? I remember myself six months ago, so eager to get out of this comfort and work my ass off again; six months to that I am still here.

I can smell some faint scent of stationary which I had when I was little as I am typing this—literally speaking. Who are you? I can’t remember the last time I sniffed that and who I remembered back then. I don’t recall any dead relatives liking those scented stationery. Or maybe this is just nostalgia haunting me.

I just watched, well, except for the last five minutes of it since the DVD decided to jump every five seconds of the scene, 500 days of Summer: Channel your misery to writing sympathy greetings cards; the best way to get over a girl is through literature. I’m not getting over someone or trying to. Except maybe my misery on how screwed up I let my life become.

Others envy my situation given its comfort and simplicity. I get to go to every gimmick and road trip my friends want me to go, provided it’s free, duh. I guess honestly it’s been good except for the fact that I don’t have the luxury to splurge and go shopping but all in all I get to go out.

I have several blog entries which I haven’t typed yet when I just feel like writing before shut eye but too lazy to go online. I don’t want to blog about happy stuff today also. Crazy. I don’t want to feel. I don’t want any emotion to surge through me. Duh. That’s some stupid line.

Recently, I’ve been visited by some parts of the past. I went along for some drinks with High School friends that included High School ex too. Not that it’s anything different since we go out before, but it was the first time again that I’m in a relationship. As expected, there was immature cajoling between drinks but manageable. Something I always point out that we are better off like that. Next would be the other ex’s friend. And as the cliché goes, life would always be full of surprises. I didn’t think of the day before that I could get along with this friend but I guess due to time and different scenarios, things changed which make things possible.

And as the emotional freak I sometimes get, relationship stuff creeps to my mind as I type this; but no, I will not mention anything. There’s always another blog entry for that. Sigh. These are just ramblings again hoping that before the laptop battery goes off, my mind has cleared somehow. Until now that stationary scent hasn’t diffused. I know it’s not my hair nor the fabric conditioner but something else.

Chuckling. Even if we don’t want to think about some stuff, they have a way of making their presence felt even if they are not aware of it—Nobody by the Wondergirls just started playing from the neighbor’s blasting stereo. Sigh. Yeah, I want nobody else but him.

This is what you call random, twisted, chaotic thinking. I was just blogging about me being jobless which ended to Nobody. LOL.