Runaway Bride

I think I was the “runaway bride” syndrome. It’s like every time some friend would like me more than I like them I scramble and run off. The more I think about what happened between me and honeybunch before, the more I realized I how scared I am of really falling in love. Of giving it all and then losing it all. I guess it’s suffice to say my heart healed from the succession of aches it got that I have really not been able to open up as I thought I had.

Maybe the stupid Facebook quiz was right, that whenever I like someone my intentions and actions are so random that they are unclear. I know at some point or another Mine and I clicked. (Harhar for assumptions but WTH) And yet I held back.

And since I somehow know I cannot just give my all again, I’d always seem to choose the side wherein it’s me who gets hurt. Ugh. Sigh.

So what now?

At the end of a happy day

Today, I had an orientation for a possible job which I declined and hopefully would not regret that; I met with Cliff, who just came home from Doha; had my favorite Starbucks combi: Javachip and Belgian Waffle; did a little bit of shopping with Carmi and Ezra; Was talking all day to Emomot; it was cold and breezy…in short it was a one fine day for me. For real. It felt nice to sleep on the bus even though I was dead tired and I was irritated still at my clogged ears. Tch.

And then I logged in to YM. And then I realized I missed something. Some friendship with someone I had been in constant communication with for the past year and then it went poof. Sigh. And I told him I missed him, for surely I do. But not surprisingly, he did not believe me. I don’t blame him.

It’s hard when friendship becomes weirded out because you thought the relationship could go on another level. And when it didn’t, things doesn’t go back to normal. Sigh. Oh well… Life…

But really.. I miss you.

another side of the story

Oh shit. I read your blog. Okay we did the same thing today. I dunno if it’s irritating me or hurting me. Then again what do you care right? Since all I ever did to you was disappear. So it seems. Tch.

Sigh. I’m sad now that I read that. I hurt you again I know. Sorry won’t do us any good. I told you last week, I think, that you’d always be my honeybunch. But now I guess that cannot be even if you borrow one from three. LOL. Seriously, well it looks like you had also ended our friendship.

Sigh. That’s the main reason why we wouldn’t work out–too much drama. We fight over the simplest things everytime. Regularly. I cannot have the same relationship I had with an ex.

Sigh. Yes, I’m sighing again. We had a great friendship. But why in the world does it looks like this is all my fault??! Okay fine, we have our own blogs where we can rant about all the freakin’ people in the world and nobody can care. Freedom of expression. Sooo LOL. Sarcasm there.

Now I’m annoyed. I was teary when I was reading your blog. But now…Tch. Why is it always me? Did you forget that it was YOU who said NO? That you don’t want any commitment because you’re not yet ready and maybe thing that happened last year will happen again?! Didn’t you? Well, obviously, it did. Again. Commitment or no commitment.

Someone told me before that she also believes that when there’s love, commitment should not be an issue. But now she thinks otherwise, brought also about by a long distance relationship. It’s so bull. I mean you tell someone you love them and you already know she wants to be with you on the first place, but still?? Soo what’s the big deal?!

I don’t love for the sake of loving. I don’t say those three words for the heck of it. Thank goodness I didn’t say it just to say it back. I was sooo in like with you. But maybe love was a reason why I let go. I dunno. Tch. Fine, maybe it’s my fault for demanding too much. but with how things are going, all I had wanted was security.

My golly. Sigh. Grr. Tsch.

I had searched all over for balloons on your birthday. I had looked stupid and silly for blowing them in the middle of a drinking session with friends. Just to show you after that I had celebrated it with you. Doesn’t that count as an effort? Please don’t say it is just me. That I didn’t try. Because OMFG I did. I did.

Effort would be all that I had waited for from you. Big time effort. I was in the city for several times wanting to see you. You can’t go because you have work..I know. But how about after that? You were scared of what they might say. You were scared if they find out. You didn’t dare jumo and take a risk. So now, don’t freakin’ tell the me that I’m someone who always disappear like a bubble.

Sigh. As I said, even an effin fairy tale which had completely gone wrong has an ending. AND there’s two sides in every story.

when dreams become reality

I dreamed of you. I remembered you. Then again when I woke up, I asked myself, what did I do? Or what did I not do? Things have changed and I’m not pointing fingers on who’s to blame. Maybe indeed it’s the age difference. Maybe I had wanted so much more that you cannot give. Emotionally and situationally. Maybe I should have waited longer. Maybe I should have been more patient. I know that was my last chance. Was it right to let it go? I’ll never know that for sure.

During the times when I was waiting for you to make up your mind if you want in or not, I was hella scared. My friend told me that maybe the reason I was scared is because there might really be something there. That maybe there’s something worthwhile if we become “together”. But then I dunno. I just woke up one morning after my sickness disappeared, so were the emotions. Maybe that’s the wrong part of it, I wanted more and yet I didn’t appreciate what we had.

You said you love me. And I didn’t said it back. I like you big time. But then there are so many BUTS in this psuedo-relationship of ours. So many hindrances: people or situations, which we weren’t able to overcome. I have always been a fighter when it comes to love. But why didn’t I fight for this? I dunno why. Maybe because you keep saying that our situation has gone around. You want in before then I said No, I want in now so you said No. So yeah I guess you’re right, this is just like a movie. And movies end. Sadly.

I’m sad. I’m sad not because I’m regretting what happened though maybe yes since it could have at least ended nicely. I’m sad because you got hurt again. You will say it’s okay but it’s not. You will smile but then I know you have cried. I did it again, as Britney’s song goes. And oops is all I can say. Sorry.

It hurts me that it’s like this. That it ended this way. I’m just stupid really when it comes to this. It was a dream. What we had was really like just a dream. Everything virtual. The kisses, the hugs, the hanging outs, the dates. Everything. All we had were moments. Moments up high. Moments I will always treasure.

There’s always an ending to a fairytale. Ours was a fairytale gone wrong. The prince didn’t find the princess. And the princess was never woken by the prince with a kiss.

I will not say this time, it’s my fault. Yes, last year was mine. But this time, no. I tried. I didn’t just disappear. I just loosened my grip. Because I dunno if I was holding on to something that is worth holding on. I guess I’ll never know. You were the best friend any one can ask for online. Online because that’s what we had always been.

4 days and 3night was it? All the reality that we had were those nights. I may always be the villain in your own love story. But my dear, my feelings were real. Sadly though, this is said in past tense…..

We will both find what we’re looking for. Someday. Somebody will show us the real beauty of love and sacrifice.