Big, big girl. Big, big world

Wrote this out of the blue supposedly for the company I was praying for. But Nada. Carmi told me the night I wrote this when my mind was purely blank and I got nothing to write about: write about me! And so I did. Though Ging said it is also so me.

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A big house, own car, up to date gadgets, a complete family, a solid group of friends, and the love of her life. Having all these means a secure, satisfying and happy life, more or less.

But for the first time in her 22 years of existence, she has to leave home, be in a city full of chaos, ride public transportation and live life alone.

How scared can she get? She gets scared big time. Anxiety always seeps in everyday; hyperacidity kicks in and depression also settles. Until finally the first day of school arrives.

A new school, with new professors, new classmates: a whole new world. One way or another she’ll get excited. So she rides the train for the first time. There’s the jeepney and the bus rides with friends, with hopes they don’t get lost.

She smiles. She survived today. She exhales deeply and tells herself to worry about tomorrow later. For now, there should be a good night’s sleep.

What she didn’t know yet was that she would eventually like this: the up of her adrenaline every time she gets scared. She would love the new surroundings and the liberating feeling of independence, all these.

She would soon get lost. But she will find her way back. If not, there’s always the taxi to take her back. This city life would give her a new perspective in life.

She will be shocked that sex is any ordinary topic that gets talked about over lunch between strangers. She will still be overwhelmed with too much people and traffic. But she will learn to pick up the mess in her apartment and clean the bathroom. She can learn to cook some food, or if not, there’s always the microwave to the rescue.

These would just be some new things a big girl can do in a big city. She would now be living real life one step at a time. And as planned after she finishes her degree, she’ll happily hop back to home sweet home.

Or maybe, just maybe, she would choose a 180^o of what she had back home. She’ll continue living at her small apartment, enjoy the hassles and thrills of public transportation, have a family away from home, have new friends, still have the love of her life with her and..Live a big life with real experiences.

akward or annoyed

I didn’t get the job. Tch. Sad. Oh well I guess not for me then. Sigh.

I’m thinking now if I am guilty of hurting someone again. But then I get annoyed. I don’t think so. I will try not to disappear, that is if I don’t get too annoyed. sigh. Sorry. But tch.

There are things you hope for, there are things you’d patiently wait for and save for so that you can have it in the end. And there are also people you long for, and people you really wait for, either to come or comeback.

But as there are these people, there are also those you seemingly wait for. I never thought I’d get tired of waiting because I am really a patient person, stupid at times when it comes to this stuff. But I did. Ging told me I woke up. That big edge to signal or push you and tell you that it’s really worth waiting for disappeared  I guess.

I need attention. I want attention. Immature and KSP. LOL. And maybe that was the trigger factor. Someone gave it to me. Someone else even if that someone doesn’t mean anything more but an online buddy. But he did care enough to make me smile and entertain my plain thoughts.

And so here we are again. Just like last year. They say, things that happened once may not happen again but things that happened twice will surely happen the third time. So I guess suffice to say this is it.  Just like last year, where we are again. A choice between being akward or being annoyed. And unconsciously, I chose the latter.

As they say, people don’t really leave, their roles just changed.

Hmm.. next goal. Keep the heart chained for the meantime.