Runaway Bride

I think I was the “runaway bride” syndrome. It’s like every time some friend would like me more than I like them I scramble and run off. The more I think about what happened between me and honeybunch before, the more I realized I how scared I am of really falling in love. Ohasn’tf giving it all and then losing it all. I guess it’s suffice to say my heart healed from the succession of aches it got that I have really not been able to open up as I thought I had.

Maybe the stupid facebook quiz was right, that whenever I like someone my intentions and actions are so random that they are unclear. I know at some point or another Coffee and I clicked. (Harhar for assumptions but wth) And yet I held back.

And since I somehow know I cannot just give my all again, I’d always seem to choose the side wherein it’s me who gets hurt. Ugh. Sigh.

So what now?

Love is Complex

I just finished watching Management, Jen Aniston and..dunno the guy. Did not really like the movie, kinda dragging. I didn’t even realized that it was ending already. Anyway, the concept is there. When someone struck you big time, you can really go all out to chase that person even if it meant across the states. Love surprises you when and where it appears. Unusual places makes it exciting and crazy at the same time; but when it’s there, it’s there. Sigh.

Finished watching the anime Lovely Complex also earlier. Soooo nice. I just love it. It made me smile all day. Lovelovelove. The never ending discussion about it.

I was gonna say something else but I think I’m already dazed. Will just continue analyzing the movies tomorrow.

Load Credits

For several months I was so used at not having load everyday. When I was working in Alabang it was enough that I had some to text home that I’m on my way since I usually go home past 9pm and arrive around past 11pm here. I was amused as how my little brothers seem to just use up their load credits as if it was water–always needed. Xylon and I usually tell them that during our high school years load was really precious since there were not unlimited texting promos. LOL.

Anyway, well yeah, of course the main reason why I don’t care if I have load or not is because I don’t have that somebody to text with every minute of everyday unlike during the boyfriend times. Since I haven’t had a job for the past months people rarely expect me to respond to text messages haha.

I think I’m in a detox mode. Detoxification from all the complications that a heart-related matters bring about. It’s been two weeks I think that I haven’t been crushing or liking or loving anyone. LOL. Pretty short I know. For me between those days, after hearing that he has a girlfriend already and now relatively long enough that I have not been giddy over someone. I’m not the type who bounce from one guy to the next. I just bounce between crushes. So high schooly and immature I know but it being giddy at random parts of the day because of someone makes me happy. Haha. Tch. Immaturity attack. LOL.

Being the eldest with siblings way younger than me makes me so adaptable to people younger than me to people older I guess. This I believe is one of the reasons why my maturity level is still like them as well. Wahhaha. I don’t deny that I’m still immature; but I won’t say that I’m not mature at some aspects as well. We were raised to be so dependent and spoiled I think. Even thought we don’t have much, I feel that we are spoiled. Not brats though. We are spoiled in a way for me which means that we are so secure when at home. It’s like even if things are being cut short, money problems and all, there would always be time when we could splurge and get rewarded.

I’m rambling. Haha. This wasn’t what I was suppose to blog about but when words form in my mind, they just won’t stop. Thus, the ramblings and off topic statements. What I was just trying to point out is that my cell phone has been alive for the past days nonstop.

I think what I’m feeling right now again is security. I was mentioning about load because for the last two weeks as well, even if I lost him, I got close to another friend. And we’re at the state where we don’t care about what we tell each other; from gross stuff, serious, funny and at the moment stuff. Plain nothings that makes me want to have load all the time, because for as long as I can remember I begin to disconnect once again from the Internet. Something I have been trying sooo hard to do these past few months. Having an online-based love story would naturally have you want to go online all the time. But now, there’s no point. I find those stuff I do online less interesting. I’d rather watch some TV series and text all day again. It’s comforting this way. It’s just nice. It’s so freakin’ nice when you can have a purely platonic relationship with a guy knowing that he’s safe ground. Someone without any expectations, someone who’s not hoping for something else because he wants someone else. Just purely light, bubbly and stupid conversations each time.

I love chick flicks; simple and just feel good movies. This friendship that we got here is just like that–a feel good movie–no dramas involve. For that I thank him.

Stupid Kilig

I thought it was okay with me already. It’s been two weeks since I found out; besides we didn’t have that deep of a relationship, friendship or otherwise. And then I saw something again. Stupid Flickr dedications. Tch. Then again, I thank it for its clarity. Now, I know.  I was right about who it was on the first place. And then I came across the blog. Again, another ouch. But weirdly still, I found myself smiling. It was so cheesy.

Well, people in love can never not be cheesy and mushy. And with that, kinilig naman ako sa kanila kahit gusto ko silang pag-umpugin. lols. I would always be a fan of happy endings. Sweet serenitys. Lovey moments.

I am weird but that’s where I prove that I wasn’t in love. Just pure high infatuation about plans and cheesy fantasies. Therefore, I am fine.

And I’m juggling all the thoughts in my head
I’m juggling and my fears on fire
but I’m listening as it evolves in my head
I’m balancing on one fine wire

Unavoidable reasons

I lost him because of the most honest reason that he is younger. Younger, which would mean at some point less mature than me, more dramatic and more complicated. Thus, my mind got twisty and realized that it would never work out, that is even without trying. I hate those guys who just makes you like them and then disappears after you do. At times, I feel that I am like that. I enjoy too much of someone’s company that things happen. Love complicates friendship and when the love parts gets screwed up, frienship becomes forgotten.

I get teary after watching Grey’s Anatomy again, well, not surprising though. I teared up for this reason though it was far from what the episode was saying.  But still, it was about friends. I’m getting close to someone again for the reason that I enjoy talking to him. It makes me happy. No other reason aside from that; no linking it to a possible love or what. Hence, I get scared. Scared that things might happen again even if we have a different scenario. I know it’s crazy to even worry about it now when there’s no single strand of complication going on. But as my usual worry self, I think about what might be.

I hate losing friends because of weird feelings, awkward moments, and because of fights relating to these. =(

Curved Bullet

I thought it would a one fine day. I was so happy earlier. I was so giddy.. but then as they say too much of something will be a big loss also. But I never expected this.

I know it might hit me but I didn’t expect it so soon. The target wasn’t directly positioned to the line of sight thus it would take a great deal to shoot it. But then, there’s such a thing like a curved bullet (like in the movie Wanted). Even if Wilbur was hanging in front of it, even if it was taken from a moving train, a curved hit will almost make the target. And when it does, it sucks.

Familiar feeling, hands became clammy, nose feels funny, throat tightens, eyes blinks so fast as to try to keep up with what was forming inside. Cho was just asking me how I really felt earlier and I gave him my usual answer, “no” or at least “not yet”. And now, poof. Ouch was all I can think of. Bull’s eye. It even seemed like I was carrying the red cloth and the bull ran head on.

I still laugh the night off. Plurk friends to keep me company with the stupid misery. Stupid heart. Stupid mind. Why did I let myself get so vulnerable? Sigh. Why can’t I learn this enough? Why do I always let myself get burned.

Sigh. Useless wonderings. Life goes on. I can just turn off the laptop or the modem and things go back to normal. Live real life not online life. It’s just a simple disconnect from the messenger, a simple offline mode in Facebook and then he doesn’t exist somehow…. but then, there’s still the ouch somewhere….

For now, sleep is my comfort.

At the end of a happy day

Today, I had an orientation for a possible job which I declined and hopefully would not regret that; I met with Cliff, who just came home from Doha; had my favorite Starbucks combi: Javachip and Belgian Waffle; did a little bit of shopping with Carmi and Ezra; Was talking all day to Emomot; it was cold and breezy…in short it was a one fine day for me. For real. It felt nice to sleep on the bus even though I was dead tired and I was irritated still at my clogged ears. Tch.

And then I logged in to YM. And then I realized I missed something. Some friendship with someone I had been in constant communication with for the past year and then it went poof. Sigh. And I told him I missed him, for surely I do. But not surprisingly, he did not believe me. I don’t blame him.

It’s hard when friendship becomes weirded out because you thought the relationship could go on another level. And when it didn’t, things doesn’t go back to normal. Sigh. Oh well… Life…

But really.. I miss you.

When it is nice…

It’s when you’re not in love with your male buddy and are on strictly platonic relationship with no plans whatsoever to change it in the future…

It’s when you smile for some strange reason upon waking up even though you’re not a morning person…

It’s when things aren’t going the way you want them to be and yet you feel peaceful…

It’s when you’re craving for something and suprisingly your mom brings them home at the end of the day…

It’s when you’re emotionally attached to someone and yet you find the guts to be less showy of how you really feel…

It’s when you suddenly find an online best friend, across the globe talking only during the few common waking up moments due to your inverted time zones and yet feel comforted…

It’s when the wind blows away your sadness even if the rain dampens your mood…

It’s when you don’t need to have dinner and still feel full…

It’s when you see the yellow bulb and tell you you’re not alone…

It’s when you go offline and live you real life and be more than happy…

It’s when you see your cousins after four years of being apart…

It’s when you mind knows the answer but your heart feels differently and when it hurts, you know you’re alive…it’s not that nice but at least it keeps your heart beating for something. Something stupid at some point, but then again….It’s still nice to feel…

It’s when you have the best girl friends you could ever wish for…

Things are still nice when you still find all these random reasons to smile.

Emo-emo-emoootional

Whoa. I haven’t blogged for such a long time now. Been too lazy or preoccupied or playing Sims lately. Now indulging myself with Grey’s Anatomy lines. Sigh. One should really not watch too much drama during this time of the month. Ouch. Been crying all morning at the simplest scenes.

On emo mode again. Tch. I hate that this is the emotion I get hooked on during period times.

He’s such an effin’ onion, with every layer that I peel he doesn’t know it makes me cry… Sigh. This is sooo wrong. I can’t believe I went back to zero. I was doing so well ignoring what I’m feeling then I poof..here we go again…

My 2nd FP – Flickr’s gift!

My 2nd FP – Flickr’s gift!
Originally uploaded by vwynx

What do you get when you fall in love? A guy with a pin to burst your bubble